you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
