oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
