The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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