He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
