I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
