I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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