I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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