i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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