The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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