I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize