You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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