hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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