I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
organizing the empties. That sober.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Randomize
