you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
