i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
