We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
