headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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