then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
