my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
