If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
