Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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