M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
