I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
