God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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