We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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