just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
whose ass print is on the piano?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
