why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
