i jhust puked up my retainher.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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