we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
