she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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