I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
