sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
