last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
