mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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