dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
