Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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