I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
