Your mouth is God's brothel.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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