If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
