This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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