your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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