i don't plan on having that self control this summer
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
