i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
