throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
They have beer where we have blood.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
