I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize