Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
