Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
