Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I could fuck to npr.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
