i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
