the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
