I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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