I wish I only lived at night.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
