I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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