the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
