There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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