Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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